Fucking emo

If you know a bit. Shut up. You doesn't know all actually.
If you doesn't know. Stop asking me.
Recently it had been many things prone against me. Like a shit.
I m not fucking damn hate to said those words.
Aiks. Just like express the ungood feelings.
I m not feeling well at this moment. Please give me a little bit space to release all my unhappiness.
Don't know since when I always have this hard time to go. I hate to be myself. I hate to live around here. Perhaps I should go far away? Abroad? Keep myself to a stranger city?unknown answer **
Feel like being fake sometimes? I admit sometimes I m too fake enough. So why I couldn't just be myself?ridiculous. I always hide my true feeling in deed. I m tiring of wearing mask. I just wanted to be a normal girl!! Why couldn't I? I m not request too much, just as simple like this. Why doesn't anyone could understand me well.
Life isn't easy to pass by. Especially for me.
I could still remember since childhood. I always thought to suicide. I wonder why? Eventhough i Knew that there are many ways and solutions. But the 1st thinking sure must be thinking of dead can solved all the problems. Suicide. Every times I think and I try to do, it doesn't work for me. I think I am timid enough. I have no courage to do so,at last,it just a thought. Sound stupid and yet it's always help me to face back to reality.
God doesn't help me. Actually I m a Christian. Should be said like this. Initially, I m a loyal holy christian since childhood stage. I love to go church and I like to be a server of god. And I believe in Jesus Christ. Deeply.
When the time pass by and pass by. Challenging life train me to be tough and strong. And I m glad that I pass till my 20 birthday. Flash back to the moment, i really pass through a lots of things. A deeply memorable miserable life. Life lead me to grow. really. Somehow. My faith towards god keep fading. I wonder why. I dislike go church anymore. Whatever place and location of church. I don't have the desire,the enthusiasm to declare the glory in the name of god. I hate the way I am. I had lost all the faith in Jesus name. I even never touch the bible for more than 2 years. Devotion never done since I graduated from high school. I m not a great leader and i feel ashamed for my group members thou. How come I m a youth leader and Sunday services teacher before? Palm face**

Too many seduction around this world? Why I feel like the world is changing. The youth is changing.everyone is changing thou? Or everyone just like being dependent for their mask? Nobody is sincere enough. Tiring for this world.

Shit for my life like this.
Heart bleeding . Full of disappointment.
I feel helpless. Nobody could understand my feeling as you aren't in my situation. I know I will be tough soon. Just timing is the key points.
may all the best.